»fuck
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
tweetfuckingjailed.
mad at megat cause he thinks i'm ignoring him. in the end, he say
"hey i just wanna tell you that i'll be gg to jb later on i'll be back tomorrow but we can skype if you want cos ill be at my friend's place there and there got wifi so yea please talk to be *me if you want toor you can just ignore me like how you always do so yeah ttyl later i guess idk i love you"
now tell me how i can stay mad at this guy? what sin have i done to have such a guy? to fall deeply in love with him? God, i love him and i hope this will be my last guy cause i'm tired of it all.
i've hurt him, he have hurt me.but i want to be the one for him. i want to be there for him. and i'm willing to accept his flaws. God, i love him.
words spilled @ 3:21 PM /
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»ignore
megat says i'm ignoring him?! since when omfg
words spilled @ 3:06 PM /
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»NEVER TRULY HAPPY.
hello :)
it sure has been a long time since i've blogged. well, i'm gonna blog everything that has happened since my last post.
Well, i got into ITE College Central, and got into my first choice "Shipping Operation And Services." so yes, i am extremely happy. Whoopie!
Been getting darker due to going to the beach often with my uncle and family :3
so.................................................. i got myself a guy..................................................
his name is megat khairul hazwan bin megat azman. and he is currently schooling at ite cw oh and of course of the same age as me :3 .............. not yet, he is still 16, on the 13 august then only he turn 17 hehehehhehe
we've already passed our one month mark so yay to us.
through that one month, we seriously fought a lot and at times, i just want to give up yaknow. cause whats up with the fightings? i get hurt, and i think i hurt him a lot.
there are a lot of things that happened and i can't seem to list it all down. but one thing for sure, i'm keeping things to myself. i'm not sharing my problems, my feelings, i'm seriously containing myself. i need to be more open with him but i can't. and also i've been thinking about self-harming. omg why right why after i finally stopped doing it for a year or more, i decided to just think about it.
i deserve a bitch slap.
hmm, i'm temperamental, egoistic, demanding, controlling, vulnerable and many things. i love to think far and negatively. gosh, i just suck. i have high self-esteem of myself when i'm around friends, but never around him. i feel so insecure. i'm so fucking jealous but i'm seriously trying to contain myself. i don't want to be that controlling girlfriend and definitely i don't want to be that bitchy girlfriend i used to be. see how hard am i trying? see the difference? i'm trying really trying. but i'm tired. i'm tired of this hurting and all that.
and i definitely hate myself for being too in love with this guy.
i don't know what to do. i can never be open to him. i can never share my feelings or problems to him. like how jealous i am when he is always contacting with his 2 girl best friends. i lost contact with the guys of my life because of him and what does that make me look like? a fool? an idiot? he told me he wasn't ready to lose his girl best friends, then what about me? was i even ready? i fucking did not. but my guys knew i was in a relationship so they distant themselves from me. wow, i feel like being a bitch and just rubbing it in his face but i can't, i don't dare. i'm such a pussy.
i can't make him stop contacting his girl best friends cause it makes him happy and i rather endure this than see him upset. yes so probably you readers are thinking "so its your fault! you want to endure then endure lah! for what want to complain?!" but i can't endure this any longer yaknow. i'm so fucking jealous and i hate the fact that he shares everything to them even about me and him. what the fuck right i know what the flipping fucking fuck
hurt, yes very hurt. but i'm just gonna endure this shit and smile.
NEVER TRULY HAPPY.
i talk to musa cause i know i can and i sort of want that revenge yaknow. lol i know LOL
only to musa and this blog that i feel so open with. i don't dare open up to others.
VULNERABILITY.
Vulnerability here does not mean being weak or submissive. To the contrary, it implies the courage to be yourself. It involves uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.
Why do we fear vulnerability? We are afraid that if someone finds out who we really are, they will reject us. While we may try to appear perfect, strong or intelligent in order to connect with others in actual fact pretense often has the opposite effect intended.
We are inauthentic and try to hide our feelings. This may explain our discomfort around inauthentic or “fake” people.
On the other hand, when people stick to the truth (including avoiding little white lies), not only does their well-being increase but their relationships improve. Verbally expressing our feelings exactly as they are may help us overcome emotions faster. When we allow ourselves to be completely open and vulnerable, we benefit, our relationships improve, and we may even become more attractive.
Yes, vulnerability can lead to hurt. Women often tell men that they want their partner to be vulnerable and to share their feelings but then recoil in disgust when men do. When women share their feelings, men often feel frustrated or powerless and want to find a fixed and pragmatic solution. Yet is it worth walking through fear and vulnerability to experience social connection? Absolutely. “Show me a man who can listen to a woman and not try to fix her problem but rather just listen to her and be there for her, show me a woman who can sit with a man who shares this vulnerability and still love him the way he is, and I'll show you a man and woman who are courageous and have done their work," "It's about intention – ‘Can this be the safest place that we have: with each other, you can be afraid with me and I can be afraid with you.’ ”
To know that you are seen and loved for who you are and to perceive someone else in all of their vulnerability and love them as they are may just be one of life’s most fulfilling experiences. Next time you feel yourself close up in fear in a romantic relationship or otherwise, notice if you can make the choice to be courageous. Take a risk and embrace vulnerability. To quote the poet Alfred Lord Tennyson: 'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.' (In Memoriam:27, 1850)
words spilled @ 11:34 AM /
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