»life.
Friday, October 26, 2012
so hello! its been awhile since i actually blogged! i lost my password and i somehow managed to remember it hahahha actually no, i pressed whatever came into my mind and *tadaa* hahahha k sorry. i'm blabbering nonsense :>life still goes on and we got to adapt to changes.
i can officially call library my second home with syuhaidah n.n i've been studying at library since 10am till 9pm almost everyday without fail! oh and i am so proud of myself cause i came earlier than the rest twice! i am never an earlybirdie. forever will be late! but tsk, i managed to be early hehehehhehe and everyone was proud of me :)
graduation was like bullshit to be honest. had to force myself to tear away from them and mixed with the rest. it hurts to let them go but life goes on! pasting those fake smiles, i'm fluent with it. its sad that i won't be able to hate mr chai after this. hahahahahahoh when i got the report book and showed syuhaidah. she got the shock of her life. hahahahhahaha! my math results was like bullpoop!
sec 1: C6, E8, A2, D7
sec 2: A1, C6, F9, E8
sec 3: C5, E8, D7, F9
sec 4: D7, F9, AB
so o levels! practical was bullshit tbh. english was manageable and omg paper 1, i so did it with my tuition teacher and i guess i was lucky that it came out for o level! yay me! :D i did on the topic "Fame" cause i've did that with mr joe before! heheh thanks mr joe! :) i love a phrase i wrote in my essay. i wrote about kim kardarsian and nur feetri :) the phrase was
"for example, how did kim kardarsian earn her fame? well, someone leaked out her sex video online and with her curvy body and flawless face, she got her fame!"
was it nonsensical? well maybe but gah i just love it. haryati did proposal when it was supposed to be formal letter but its sokay! she'll do well! i prayed for haryati and syuhaidah that we'll excel in our o level amin :) i appreciate the supports/motivations/wishes from my juniors, cousins, relatives, primary school buddies and also my classmates! hope you guys do well!
math paper was unexpectedly simple. not gonna say easy but simple! i managed to do everything and had time to check my workings! if i pass my math, i swear, i'll burst into tears and hug syuhaidah so damn tightly! well, i guess those late night studies and tortures by syuhaidah was all worth it! :) i even managed to make new friends and reunite with my primary school friends! i've been studying on the second floor with syuhaidah all this while and damn its so darn cold!
i met a guy named Tarmidzi and damn he is sho cute! he, magically found my twitter and from there, a friendship bloomed :) oh lol. i might have a tiny crush on him but i'm putting that aside till i end my o level hahahha :) oh and i made a new friend name Elfi! he was syuh's primary school friend and he is cute as well and also funny! pfffth n.n
next week will be a hectic week with 4 papers. my brain is filled with so much history that its so hard for me to memorize ss notes! but its sokay! i'll study for it regardless of my historified brain :P
syuhaidah has been there for me whenever i was alone or tbh whenever i'm left out. ever since i ditched school to be in the library, she was there for me and guiding me through the difficult times. i learn to be independent and its all thanks to her. i told her about the problems or the feelings i'm facing right now between my friends and i. i told her the honest truth that whenever i'm with my usual group of friends, i feel extremely left out. hurt was all i felt whenever i was with them. i wanted to cry but i find it stupid. i made myself believe that, i'll still survive without them cause i know we won't ever meet after o level. i persuaded myself to believe that and thats how i overcome hurt. did i change? i guess i did but its for the better. being with syuhaidah helps me realized a lot of things. things change and we have to adapt to those changes. your circle of friends will eventually leave you. no one waits for you cause the world is cruel despite the beautiful features. i learn that on my own.
after o level, i'm going to forget my secondary school life. yes, i appreciate the things we all did. those memories at bintan, class camps, daily outings etc but leaving secondary school feeling hurt and left out, was never what i ever expected but it happened anyway. #badluckjulaiha i guess? hahahahha ok but really. was i ever a bad friend to them? if i am, i'm sorry. but its too late i guess. i'm happy right now hahahahhaah fuck no i'm so fucking upset i know its stupid to cry cause nothing will even change but i guess, i've endured this shit for too long and ranting it here just broke the dam. i just feel so fucking left out and after te whole push the other person incident shit, that is when our circle broke apart, did anyone realized? no, well too bad then cause fuck it suck and hurts to see the broken circle but whatever. its already in the past. might as well forget it and move on.
"you got to think now, whether they truly are your true friends. it will hurt to leave them but greater things would come in the end of it all." - Syuhaidahletting them go would hurt but what hurts the most is being left out. no one likes that feeling. it happened to me but hahahahhaahahah i'll just laugh the pain away :) no one said laughing wouldn't hurt but what can i do? i shouldn't let this fucked up shit get in the way of my life. things, people change. you get ditched, you get left out, you feel hurt, you feel happiness, its all part of life. well, its nonsensical.
"i feel like whatever is all wasted. i feel used. i don't fit it. i'm just a nobody. i just anger people. might as well be a loner than hurt someone else." _ me.haryati told me to never feel that way. don't ever think you're efforts are gone to waste. cause those efforts made memories between my friends and i so i ought to feel grateful for it. but whenever i think about it, it just leads to the ending of everything. i'm just putting on that horrible fake smile whenever i see them. i can't even look at them in the eye. anger, hurt, sadness, hatred is all i feel but i've always made myself to not feel that way. thanks for the memories then. letting go, its time for me to let them go. go our own separate ways. probably they'll still hang out but i'll just start on my independent journey alone.
words spilled @ 2:22 PM /
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